The day before Sloan turned five, I was scrolling through Instagram and stumbled across a reel that shared the beauty of saying goodbye to the younger version of your child on the eve of their birthday. Aaaaaand I sobbed. Not only because I had already been randomly crying at the smallest things throughout the day – the way we snuggled nose to nose when she first woke up, how she climbed her little booty up on the counter to help me bake, when she reminded us to pray before dinner – but also because I was *obsessed* with four-year-old Sloan, and the thought of leaving her behind was too much for my mama heart to imagine.
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We’ve lost three babies in two years, and my life these days revolves around trying to naturally get (and stay) pregnant. Between weekly medical appointments, tracking my hormones and menstrual cycle like I’m solving a true-crime murder, taking more supplements than will fit in an average-sized pill box, it’s…ummmmm… a lot. Add in biohacking my way through every spare moment and coming up with meals that fit into my brand-spankin’-new gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free diet, and it’s easy to fall into feelings of overwhelm, exhaustion, and defeat.
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But rather than participate in a pity party or wallow in my woes, more often than not I’m brought to my knees with gratitude, feeling blessed beyond belief that I have the chattiest, blue-eyed, dinosaur-loving girl despite decades of battling endometriosis, my doctor’s infertility prognosis all those years ago, and a new autoimmune diagnosis that ultimately could have taken Sloan too.
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I would never wish the loss of a baby on anyone, yet having another miscarriage since Lolo’s last birthday makes me cherish and celebrate her even more – the smell of her hair when she first wakes up, the way she pats my back when giving a hug, how she takes every opportunity to ask anyone “do you love Jesus?”, and the way she carries a bag full of treasures and toys wherever she goes.
Sloan tells me daily that she’s praying we have another baby. I know half of that is her warm & wholesome little heart, the other half is her love of people & play & wanting another little person to welcome into her big, beautiful world. Even though the “big sister” t-shirt we got her two years ago is now too small, it still sits in her drawer waiting to be worn. And if anyone ever gets the chance to call her their sibling, I can tell you with certainty that they will be the luckiest person in the world. I know this because I pinch myself every day that she’s my girl.
Lolo, currently
I never thought I’d ask my five-year-old questions like do you want milk & honey in your tea? or what documentary do you want to watch next? or would you rather go to the antique mall or thrift store?, yet ^^that^^ is what life looks like with this girl who sees & feels & questions & understands far beyond her years. But despite her old soul, she starts most sentences with “Mama…let me tell you something”, calls antelopes “envelopes”, and will take every opportunity to play tag, tell a made-up story, or shout “BOO!” from around the corner.
Sloan has a way of turning the mundane into magic. She also walks around with vibrancy, confidence, and the *perfect* amount of IDGAF energy, her head held high to take in and tell you every little detail of the world around her. She’ll call you out for saying “stupid”, has been known to stand up to bullies twice her size on the playground, will inform you if what you’re eating is “bad for your body”, and has a hard time making decisions (because she truly sees the silver lining in every option). Not only do I find myself envying everything that she is, but I strive daily to emulate it too – body, mind, heart, and soul.
She loves swimming lessons (but, I quote, “is not a head under the water girl”), board games, and yelling at the TV during football season. If we let her, Sloan would bring 27 toys and stuffies to bed (but has been limited to her age, so now we’re at five *nervous laughs*) and asks for back scratches every night as she falls asleep. She could spend all day window shopping, has a mean robot dance, and is a countdown to Christmas starting on December 26th kinda girl. Aka – Sloan is one of the coolest, most eclectic humans you’ll ever meet, and I’m convinced the world could use more people like her.
If you want to know why our garden has 52 strawberry plants and 8 blueberry bushes (aaaaaaand why Bob and I have never tasted a single berry), why Oden’s walks take twice as long as they should, or why I crawl into bed every night at 7:30 and my kindle falls on my face by 7:45…the answer is Sloan. But she is also my “why” for chasing my dreams, continuing to pursue another pregnancy, and striving to be the best version of myself every single day.
A little BTS from our last year
This past year was 50/50 amazing and hard like all years are, but Sloan makes it easy to focus on the good and overall forget the rest. We visited Bob’s family in Illinois where Sloan became obsessed with fishing, went to our first movie at the theater together, and started attending a new church where Sloan got to sing in front for the first time. We got six more chickens (if you’re keeping track, we’re now at 11), two goldfish that Sloan earned by picking up pinecones (their names are Golder and Redder), and our cat and dog have finally accepted Lolo girl as part of the family.
We didn’t have any ER visits this year *knocks on wood* as it seems we’ve finally gotten Sloan’s asthma under control with daily supplements that she takes mixed with yogurt and fruit every morning. She hasn’t needed her inhaler in over a year (#praise) and now our next goal is to get her off steroids altogether.
Lolo enjoys baking, crafting, and gardening with Mommy, working out, wrestling, and bed time with Daddy. Between opening my own private pelvic health practice (!!!) and Bob’s firefighter schedule that still has us pinching ourselves, we’re all home together more often than not. “Can you believe it’s a Tuesday?!” I still say most weeks as we all pile on the couch to watch TV in the mornings, walk to our lake, work on our homestead, or set out on another camping adventure.
Her 5 favorites
[These] animal figurines – Whenever someone asks me what Sloan wants for birthday, Christmas, etc., these Schleich animals are the first thing that come to mind. They’re beautifully made, durable, and have provided us with countless hours of imaginative play year after year. Not a day goes by that Sloan doesn’t carry them around the house, shove one (or eight) in her backpack, include them in a game, or take them to bed. They’re not fun to step on, but the pros far outweigh the cons 😉
Mini Yoto player – If you’re looking for something to replace screen time, look no further. This speaker box plays different music or stories depending on what card you put in it, and between listening to Bible stories in the morning, supplementing her homeschool lessons with brain bots, or just enjoying her favorite audio books or songs in the car, Sloan’s Yoto gets hours of playtime every week. Highly recommend the headphones (we got the wired ones for less EMF exposure) and card holder to optimize the whole experience. (PS – This link will get you $20 off your yoto purchase ;))
Magic markers – Sloan is just now really getting into drawing and coloring, and when I saw they still make the same color-changing markers I had when I was a kid, I couldn’t help but add them to Sloan’s collection. Each marker colors what’s on the base then changes to the color on the cap when you go over it with the “magic” marker. It’s nostalgia for me, vanishing colors & secret messages & transformation fun for her.
Illustrated Children’s Bible – I’ve always said that my ruler for being a good parent is if I will see my daughter in heaven someday. Praise the Lord, I have a little girl who LOVES Jesus, and this children’s Bible has become quite the treasure to Sloan. Not only are the pictures stunning, but the stories are biblically accurate and in chronological order, short & sweet, and told in a way that her little mind can understand. Nothing makes me prouder than how she sits and listens as we read each story or flips through it while sitting in church.
Instant camera – If you want to know how your kid sees the world (without handing them your phone or a (cute but expensive) polaroid camera, [this] camera is a must. It instantly prints black and white photos, takes video, and even has filters to encourage a little extra creativity. Sloan went through the three rolls of paper it comes with in a day, so make sure you get some extra rolls of paper too. Do we find selfies, unflattering pictures of ourselves, and photos of our pets & ceiling & Sloan’s toys all over the house? Yes…and I couldn’t love it more.
20 questions with Sloan
This year we started a tradition of asking Sloan twenty questions on her birthday, and between reminding her to sit down 17 times, what we captured on camera was pure (chaotic) gold. I can already tell these videos will be a treasure – to document how she grows as a person with each birthday that passes and to look back at years from now. I’m so glad that Sloan is proud of herself (see question number 18) because I don’t think I could love her more if I tried.
- What is your favorite color? Red
- What is your favorite food? Um…cake
- What is something that makes you happy? Hot wheels
- What is something that you’re afraid of? Ticks
- What is your favorite thing about yourself? My eyes
- What do you want to be when you grow up? I don’t want to be an adult
- Finish this sentence…Jesus is [blank]? Thankful
- What is your favorite book? The “Mercy” chapter books
- What is your favorite thing to do with Mommy? Play
- What is your favorite thing to do with Daddy? Tag (proceeds to try to get him to play tag)
- Who is your best friend? Rory
- What is your favorite animal? Horses…like Pumpkin (the horse she rode at the fair two year ago)
- What is something you want to learn more about? Horses
- What is something that makes you laugh? Silly faces
- What is your favorite thing to watch on TV? Horses (I can’t remember the last time she watched horses on TV…lol)
- What is your favorite memory? The best thing is to give Mommy and Daddy a hug
- Where is somewhere you want to travel to? Where there’s hot skeletons (???)
- What are you most proud of? Myself
- Who is your hero? Me!
- What are you wishing for when you blow out your candles this year? Toy horses
Happy 5th birthday, Sloany girl
This morning she came downstairs yelling “Mom! I’m five!” then thanked us again and again for the streamers we hung on the kitchen ceiling. We’ll spend today grabbing donuts and eating them at our favorite coffee shop, then painting pottery, and finishing the night with steaks and s’mores (all per Sloan’s request). She has a hot wheels party this weekend after sending out dinosaur fossil invitations (very on brand for her) and will likely spend the coming weeks making sure to incorporate every new toy into her imaginary world.
Maybe it’s me…thinking back to algebra and remembering the rounding rules…but four felt like she could still be a toddler, five seems like ten is just around the corner.
Life feels fuller than ever between juggling the energy (& questions & challenges) that a five-year-old brings, running a pelvic health clinic, homesteading and homeschooling, and more. But I’m praying…pleading…aching for our life to become fuller with another little love. Until then, I solemnly swear to adore & admire & appreciate the gift I’ve already been given….the gift that is my girl.
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Sloan’s birthday will never just be another day on the calendar. She’s a walking, talking (good Looooooord the talking!) blessing that beat the odds and proof that prayers are answered. Happy birthday Lolo girl, my miracle. Mama loves you.
– Amanda/Mama
Disclaimer: The content provided here does not constitute medical advice, nor is it a substitute for personalized healthcare. I’m a doctor, but I’m not your doctor. If you have concerns about a medical condition, diagnosis, or treatment, you should consult with a licensed healthcare professional.
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