Welp…here we are again. I’ve started many a blog post staring at a blank page, playing a game of tug-of-war in my brain as I battle between sharing something I hope will (fingers crossed) help someone while simultaneously wanting to keep these seemingly shameful, sloppy, & embarrassing thoughts to myself. Most of the time [this] happens around the topic of motherhood – from wanting to be a mom to the messy & magical of mothering, mom guilt, and even miscarriage, I’ve weathered (& written about) it all.
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My story of waiting (so far)
My motherhood journey started in my 20’s when I was told, after an endometriosis excision, that it would be close to impossible to conceive a child of my own. Fast forward past telling my now-husband about my impending infertility, attempting to manage my health and hormones, and starting the adoption process while also “trying”, I ended up getting pregnant after only a few months and birthed my daughter at home just how I had dreamed.
Now I’m four years into being a mama to the chattiest, most curious little girl, over a year into missing my angel baby that rests under the plum tree in our backyard, and more months (& appointments & prayers & supplements & blood tests & tears) than I can count into wanting & waiting to be a mama again.
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We’re all waiting on something, aren’t we, friend? – a job, a relationship, a home, a deal, a baby, a big break – and more often than not I find it’s helpful to know you’re not alone. While I don’t wish for my worst enemy to experience the hard or heartache or helplessness that comes with these trying times, I have a feeling being [here] wouldn’t seem so rough (or rare) if we were all just a little more real rather than only revealing the highlight reels.
So not only am I raising my hand to report “me too”, but I wanted to share how I’m surviving in this season of uncertainty…this point in life where patience is imperative but not always pleasant (or present)…this chapter that must just be a part of the bigger story, buttttttttt can we skip to the good part already, please and thank you!?
Now for those “how to’s” of waiting
If you’re in a stage that “when?!” is what you’re always wondering and you’re asking it as often as my four-year-old asks “why?”, consider slowing down (even for just a second) and savoring this season instead. *Sigh*. Easier said than done, I know. But I’m a believer that you…me…we are right where we’re meant to be. You can still be proactive while trusting the process. You can still question and cry while being content.
The last two years of my life have been spent waiting on a little one to love, and I’ve been here before, but never for this long. It’s not always pretty, but this time can still be pretty amazing if you approach it with perseverance, peace, and purpose. Again, easier said than done, but I promise there’s a way through and this is how I’m (some days better than others) getting there.
DOUBLING DOWN ON GRATITUDE
I don’t know about you, but in seasons like this it’s easy for me to focus on what’s missing, fixate on wanting more, and fall into “woe is me” thinking. Because research shows that our brains can’t process stress/anxiety/depression and gratitude at the same time, actively identifying things I’m thankful for throughout the day keeps me in the present, expands my perspective, and *literally* rewires my neural pathways to default towards peace.
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While you can get as fancy & formal (or not) as you want, I’ve chosen to use the notes app in my phone to record five things I’m grateful for each day. I like that it’s always accessible, I can include a few fun emojis, and it’s simple to scroll back on a week’s or month’s worth of gratitude for a quick dose of dopamine. Here’s a little sample of how it’s going so far:
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Gratitude doesn’t always erase the ache that comes with waiting, but it does remind me how full my life is right now, as is, even while I’m longing for more. The simplest things like Sloan’s dance moves, a sunny afternoon, and the coziness of sleeping in Bob’s sweatshirts help me realize this season is its own beautiful story worth savoring.
REPEATING [THIS] QUOTE
Mantras haven’t always been my thing, but when I heard the quote “those who are certain of the outcome can wait and wait without fear” by Gabby Bernstein, I not only cried (somewhat uncontrollably), but immediately adopted those words as my theme for this season. When I spiral into negative thinking, perseverate on all the possible things I’m doing wrong, or start to feel behind, I put my hand on my heart, take a big breath, and repeat this phrase a time or two for immediate relief from worry.
Now let me be clear – “certainty” doesn’t mean knowing exactly when my waiting will end, it means trusting that eventually, it will. And the “outcome” I’m certain of is not that I will someday have another baby in my arms, but instead that I will end up with the perfect family that God has planned for me. When I loosen my grip on control and release my preconceived expectations, I can come back to a place of confidence, courage, calm, and comfort, having faith in the bigger, best, most beautiful picture ahead of me.
CONTROLLING WHAT I CAN
Hellooooooo my fellow control freaks (or as I like to call myself – a passionately detail oriented person ;)). As someone who likes information, wants a order, and *needs* a plan, times of waiting where it seems like all of the above are lacking or less than can be…well…hard. Even though I can’t control the final outcome (or every factor along the way), there are features I can influence and [that] is where I’ve decided to put my focus.
From adjusting my diet to reduce inflammation to treating sleep as sacred, making my hormonel health a priority, and establishing boundaries around stress, I’m constantly taking in new information, trying & tweaking everything possible to optimize my body for pregnancy. What smaller aspects of your greater goal can you manage and impact? If you’re waiting for a relationship, are you putting in the work to love yourself first? If you’re wanting a new job, are you brushing up on your skills and beefing up your resume?
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Not only do I want to know I’m doing everything possible to bring my desires to fruition, but I also want to be ready when what I’m waiting for arrives. Taking action, no matter how small, gives me purpose during a time that could otherwise feel passive and powerless. Plus, there’s something empowering about preparing a strong foundation, no matter what you’re waiting for.
CLOCKING DRIFTWOOD
If you’re unfamiliar with the term, driftwood is wood that’s been washed ashore by the water, and it’s everywhere here in the PNW. In my waiting journey, I see “driftwood” as those moments when what I want seems to pop up all around me – pregnant women at the grocery store, birth announcements filling my social feeds, friends sharing their ultrasound photos – and I’ve started reframing these signs as reassurances that what I want is known, seen, and on its way.
After my miscarriage, these sightings used to cut me to the core…I’d skip by baby sections in stores and scroll quickly past announcement posts, all feeling like a painful reminder of what I’d lost and still didn’t have. But over time I’ve slowly shifted my perspective. Now, I see these encounters not as cruel reminders of what’s missing, but as hopeful signs that what I want is making its way to me (like driftwood to the shore).
Instead of thinking “why not me?” when I see a pregnant woman, I think “she’s showing me it’s possible.” Instead of hiding baby shower invitations, I view them as the universe preparing me for another celebration of my own someday. This perspective shift hasn’t been easy or immediate, and some days are harder than others, but treating each occurrence as positive messengers rather than painful triggers has brought me an unexpected sense of ease and excitement.
OPENING UP TO CREATIVITY
One of the most transformative shifts in my waiting season has been opening myself to creative possibilities beyond my original plan. For so long, I held tightly to one specific vision – conceiving a baby naturally, another home birth experience, breastfeeding, and all the other aspects of motherhood that are important to me. But as months have turned into years, I’ve felt a gentle invitation to expand my definition of what bringing another child into our family might look like.
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This isn’t about giving up on my desire or abandoning hope; rather, it’s about recognizing that sometimes God has plans that are different from (but no less beautiful than) the ones we initially visioned. We’ve started exploring adoption, not as a backup strategy, but as an equally meaningful option to grow our family. The peace that comes with this creativity feels like finally exhaling after holding my breath for too long. It’s the relief of loosening my white-knuckled grip on control and allowing something greater than my limited imagination to guide the way forward.
What’s surprised me most is how this openness hasn’t diminished my faith…it’s actually expanded it. Instead of seeing only one narrow route to motherhood again, I now see multiple avenues that could lead to the same result. Yes, I still pray for a positive pregnancy test, but I also find myself dreaming about the child who might already exist, waiting to find their way to us. Being creatively open doesn’t mean settling or compromising – it means trusting that sometimes our deepest desires can be fulfilled in ways we haven’t yet dreamed, ways that might be even better than what we were picturing.
What are you waiting for, friend?
We’re all waiting on something…what’s yours, friend? And also, why spend this time worrying, wallowing, wasting away when you could start taking advantage of this opportunity to learn & grow & prepare to become the best, most ready version of you for when your thing finally arrives?! I (unfortunately) don’t believe good things always come to those who wait, but in one sense or another we will someday find ourselves on the other side of this season, and I know I want to get there in the best way possible.
No matter what you’re waiting on, I can tell you you’re not behind. You’re not a failure. And you’re not alone. (Give me a moment to read those sentences to myself again a few more times.) I think wanting and wishing for the next thing is a part of being human, but let’s not wait our lives away making what’s possibly impending more important than what’s in our present.
I don’t know how long I’ll be [here]. I do know that every day I’m giving myself grace in the present, goals to move forward, and the guarantee of loving myself no matter what along the way.
– Amanda
Disclaimer: The content provided here does not constitute medical advice, nor is it a substitute for personalized healthcare. I’m a doctor, but I’m not your doctor. If you have concerns about a medical condition, diagnosis, or treatment, you should consult with a licensed healthcare professional.
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